It may seem like being in a relationship should be a guarantee that you’re going to have sex. But in reality, it doesn’t always happen that way, and for a variety of reasons. It might be that your significant other is stressed out on the job, or you just moved or had a baby and you’re both getting very little sleep. There are too many possible factors to list.
No matter the reason, not having enough sex with your partner is no fun at all. But you’re not alone, in case you’re wondering.
“It is one of the main complaints I hear about in sex therapy,” says clinical sexologist Kat van Kirk, Ph.D., author of The Married Sex Solution: A Realistic Guide to Saving Your Sex Life. “Couples can have very different biorhythms, indication patterns, and ways they process stress—all of which can negatively affect sexuality.”
One option is to not saying anything and hope that things improve. Or, you could assert your needs and do something about the situation. Read on to learn how to get some more when you’re not getting enough.
Reinforce how much you love having sex.
Make it a priority to squeeze in a quickie when you can, van Kirk says—like in the shower or before running errands—if you’re not getting enough because of how hectic things have been at work, etc. Tell your partner after sex how hot you thought it was.
Let him know how hot he is.
It might be tempting to just complain about how you feel as if you have “blue balls”, but this might make your partner get defensive and shut down. “Couples can have very different biorhythms, indication patterns, and ways they process stress—all of which can negatively affect sexuality.” Talk about how much he turns you on instead and mention that you want more of it because he’s making you feel hot. This will up the odds that it’ll be well-received because it’s a more positive message.
“I strive to have couples redefine what sex means to them and to be more inclusive about what behaviors they employ,” says van Kirk. This might mean doing some major making out or dry humping once in awhile. A lot of the time these activities lead to sex, but it promotes physical closeness, even if they don’t. Van Kirk says that she has found that lowering expectations for orgasms and penetrative sex typically leads to a more enjoyable sexual experience, more orgasms, and more action in general.